Maybe you’re experiencing a dark night of the soul? Even without knowing it. It can be the most confusing and lonely place to be, and you may feel that something must be wrong. Now, it’s possibly the most important time your soul is going through. Let me share a very personal experience with you…

It’s over midnight. The house is quiet, as I walk around – unable to sleep. The kids are sleeping like angels on their pillows. Peaceful and safe. While I myself am feeling like dissolving into emptiness and silence. I know nothing. And I don’t know who I am anymore. At all.

After meeting the divine love a year before, I’ve experienced a deep inner awakening. All my beliefs about myself, the world and God, has been peeled off, one after the other, and I feel like all the flowerpetals are gone. Just essence is left. I know who I am not. Besides that I know nothing. I’m floating in the realm of unknowing.

Now, I have never felt as alone and confused as this night. I’ve just got the insight that I have to leave my tribe, the closed Christian community I was born into. And it’s devastating. As I think about it, tears are running down my cheeks. I know this is the truth of my heart. Yet, it leaves me feeling like Jonas in the Whale. Not knowing where I am heading. Just swallowed by this empty, black void of silence.

A part of me feels like I am dying. I’ve prayed, I’ve listened, I’ve been writing. But it is as if the opening I had at the beginning of my awakening is gone. It’s just quiet and empty. And I feel abandoned from the loving consciousness I felt so beautifully in the beginning.

I walk over to my computer by the wooden table in the kitchen. I turn it on. And then I do something I’ve never shared before. Since it’s kind of embarrassing: In my despair I ask google. “WHO AM I?”. Like grasping for a piece of wood not to drown. For a moment I stare with hope at the screen, for a universal answer coming up. Nothing. Just a piece of an old song comes up – sounding like this:

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, you hear me when I’m calling
You catch me when I’m falling
And you’ve told me who I am
I am yours

It comforts me in a strange way. And there’s a sense of humor in the whole situation, that suddenly makes me laugh at myself. I can see myself from outside. How desperate I am. And at that moment I decide to let go of my doubt and resistance to the darkness.

I surrender – reminding myself that Silence actually IS the same as the Divine Love. And even now when I can’t feel it at all, it’s folding gently around me like a soft blanket. Finally, I fall to sleep.

Did the sun rise again? Yes, it finally did. And I found myself looking at myself and the world with the eyes of a newborn. I found my way out of the cocoon, surprised to see the colors of my wings shining in the sun. I began to see the beauty of my soul, the gifts I have been given to share, the purpose of my life.

A deep journey continued – through many different landscapes, trials, and invitations to grow – but I will always take the experience from the darkest hours with me as an inner knowing. That when I meet times of transformation and the dark night of the soul again – I know for sure, that my soul knows the way. And shows the way. Leaning into that knowing is the only way through. And not even Google is needed here.

Eva Andrea
Author and mentor for awakening women

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